Love Sense

Sue Johnson, Ph.D. , Little, Brown Spark, 2013

The bestselling author of Hold Me Tight presents a revolutionary new understanding of why and how we love, based on cutting-edge research. Every day, we hear of relationships failing and questions of whether humans are meant to be monogamous. Love Sense presents new scientific evidence that tells us that humans are meant to mate for life. Dr. Johnson explains that romantic love is an attachment bond, just like that between mother and child, and shows us how to develop our “love sense” — our ability to develop long-lasting relationships.

Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy for Dummies

Jim Furrow, PhD. and Brent Bradley, PhD., Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy for Dummies, John Wiley and Sons, 2013

Here is my review from about this book at the books listing on Amazon, “I’ve been a couple therapist for more than 30 years and have been learning and working within the EFT model for 4 years. I’ve been giving books to couples for all of my practice life. I have given or recommended this book to every couple in my practice.The response has been consistently enthusiastic, and to hear ENTHUSIASM from women and men about a self-help book is a rare thing. I really want to under score this: The couples are really using this book.

The tone of the book is extremely accessible. It’s like a handy tool box to help couples relate to their own and their partner’s emotional life and to help them work together on their relationship.Here are some of the things I’ve heard from those I’ve given this book,”I can really see the impact I am having on my wife.” “I can see how my husband is hurting in a way I never considered.” “The book helped me slow down and look into my primary feeling. When I shared with my wife, there was no fight. She was receptive. I think this book is really going to help us.”

I think this is the perfect book for couples. I recommend it to EFT therapists, therapists interested in this model, and especially to couples who are looking for a book that can truly help them be more connected.”

Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy for Dummies

Jim Furrow, PhD. and Brent Bradley, PhD., Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy for Dummies, John Wiley and Sons, 2013

Here is my review from about this book at the books listing on Amazon, “I’ve been a couple therapist for more than 30 years and have been learning and working within the EFT model for 4 years. I’ve been giving books to couples for all of my practice life. I have given or recommended this book to every couple in my practice.The response has been consistently enthusiastic, and to hear ENTHUSIASM from women and men about a self-help book is a rare thing. I really want to under score this: The couples are really using this book.

The tone of the book is extremely accessible. It’s like a handy tool box to help couples relate to their own and their partner’s emotional life and to help them work together on their relationship.Here are some of the things I’ve heard from those I’ve given this book,”I can really see the impact I am having on my wife.” “I can see how my husband is hurting in a way I never considered.” “The book helped me slow down and look into my primary feeling. When I shared with my wife, there was no fight. She was receptive. I think this book is really going to help us.”

I think this is the perfect book for couples. I recommend it to EFT therapists, therapists interested in this model, and especially to couples who are looking for a book that can truly help them be more connected.”

An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples: The Two of Us

Veronica Kallos-Lilly & Jennifer Fitzgerald, Routledge, 2014.

I regularly suggest this very helpful workbook to couples with who I am working in couple therapy.

This workbook is intended for use with couples who want to enhance their emotional connection or overcome their relationship distress. It is recommended for use with couples pursuing Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). It closely follows the course of treatment and is designed so that clinicians can easily integrate guided reading and reflections into the therapeutic process. The material is presented in a recurring format: Read, Reflect, and Discuss. Readings help couples look at their relationship through an attachment lens, walking them through the step-by-step process of creating a secure relationship bond. 33 Reflections invite readers to engage with the material personally, expanding their own awareness and ability to tune into their partner. Discussion sections suggest relationship-building exercises and a framework for conversations that promote safety, disclosure, and engagement. Case examples, along with informative illustrations, are scattered throughout the book to validate, illustrate, and inspire couples along their journey. Clinicians conversant with EFT can use this workbook to extend the effectiveness of their work with couples by giving them structured tasks to work on between sessions. For clinicians training in EFT, the book can guide them in staying focused on the EFT roadmap and illuminate how important change events unfold.

101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married

Linda and Charlie Bloom, New World Library, 2004

This book is insightful, concise, wise, heart-opening. It’s a perfect book to read together, one or two pages at a time. I have given it to many couples.

After The Fight; Using Your Disagreements To Build A Stronger Relationship

Dan Wile, Ph.D., The Guilford Press, 1993.

Dan Wile’s book is widely recommended by couple therapists to their couples. Wile helps the reader follow the many turns toward reactivity in one evening in the life of a couple. Wile reveals the moment-by-moment thoughts and feelings that a hypothetical couple goes through as they fall back into and struggle out of reactive conflict. This book can help you develop more awareness of those moment-by-moment shifts in your experience of conflict. Wile points the way out of reactivity.

The Forgiving Self

Robert Karen, Ph.D., Doubleday, 2001

This is a profoundly moving and wonderful book that speaks to the complexity of forgiveness. The writing is beautiful as the author was a journalist before becoming psychotherapist.

Tell Me No Lies

Ellyn Bader Ph.D., Peter Pearson, Ph.D., and Judith Schwartz, St. Martin’s Press, 2000

This is a beautiful and compelling book. It is wise and well written. It speaks of the normalcy of lying and points the way in a compassionate and subtle way to help the reader understand how “truthfulness is the beating heart of a thriving marriage”. This is another book that reads well out loud and is easy to take in little by little.

Mapping The Terrain Of The Heart

Stephen Goldbart, Ph.D. & David Wallin, Ph.D., Jason Aronson Inc., 1996

The authors refer to their book as a “self-knowledge” book rather than a self-help book and they are correct. If you take the time, together, to read this book you will have knowledge that can help you make sense of how your relationship is doing. They do a great job of conveying how interpersonal experience in childhood is internalized and expressed in our adult relationships. The authors define and discuss six capacities for loving: “The Capacity for Erotic Involvement: The Role of The Body in Love”, The Capacity for Merging: The Role of Boundaries in Love”, “The Capacity for Idealization: The Role of the Romantic Ideal in Love”, “The Capacity for Integration: The Role of Acceptance in Love”, “The Capacity for Refinding: The Role of the Past in Love”, and “The Capacity for Self-Transcendence”. Our capacities for love are viewed as evolving and transformational.

The Tao of Conversation

Michael Kahn, Ph.D., New Harbinger Publications, Inc. 1995

I have been recommending that couples read this book to one another, one chapter at a time, for many years. It is a straightforward and inspiring book about the value of collaborative conversations, with a helpful chapter on the role of empathy in conversation. Dr. Kahn writes, “Psychotherapists have been concerned with the topic of empathy since the profession began. They defined empathy as the process whereby I make such complete connection with your feelings that I actually experience them, although at a lesser intensity. You can see why empathy has always been so important to therapists: it is the way they grasp the emotional experience of their clients.”

Crossing To Safety

Wallace Stegner, Random House, 1987

I’m also recommending this beautiful novel by Wallace Stegner. The story conveys something important about the value of a community of friendships with other couples throughout the life of a marriage.